


Saving Face, Wasting Time

by duchess_black



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Eventual AU, Jumping to conclussions, M/M, Male Slash, Unrequited Love, caught out, sharing bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-19 00:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1448566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duchess_black/pseuds/duchess_black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James catches Remus and Sirius sharing a bed and jumps to the wrong conclusion. This causes the pair to address the obvious...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Got a little two parter for you! The second part hasn't even been written but I thought posting the first part would encourage me to get it started/finished. This is a wee angsty number to begin with so apologies for that. We all love a bit of angst though so I'm sure it'll be fine! I listened to a lot of Damien Rice while writing this... Take what you will from that! Comments are adored so please let me know whatever you think!

1\. 

'I can't believe I agreed to come up here.’

‘It was only a matter of time Evans. Inevitable. Written in the stars some may say…’

‘I could always turn and leave?’

‘No, no, no! Just give me a second! I know the rotas are up here somewhere! They might be in the bathroom actually!’

‘The bathroom…?’ Lily asks perplexed, turning to see James disappear through the bathroom door. She thought he’d been pulling her leg, but obviously not! She shouldn't have been surprised really. For some reason the Gryffindor boys were prone to bouts of strange behaviour and keeping the prefect duty rota in the bathroom appeared to be proof of that. 

‘Feel free to make yourself comfortable while I look!’ James calls from somewhere from the other room, ‘You can sit on my bed if you like!’

‘You wish Potter,’ The redhead retorts with a roll of her eyes. She knows she’d never hear the end of it if she indulges him. The fact that she’s in his dorm room is bound to give him plenty of material to work with for a while although it isn't actually the first time she’s been in here. Back in fifth year she had frequently visited when she’d tutored Remus in potions. It didn't stop her from looking around now though.

The room is dark despite it being a Sunday afternoon. This is due to the fact that the boys have failed to draw the curtains open in the morning. She vaguely wonders why the house elves haven't bothered to but then again she knows the boys have most of them wrapped around their little fingers and have probably sweet talked them into leaving their room be on Sundays. No doubt for a longer lie in. The room is fairly tidy, considering, although there is suitable evidence of the fact the four teenage boys share this room. There are muddy trainers lying here and there; brooms lying in a heap; what she could make out to be vandalised Chocolate Frog cards sitting on someone’s trunk; and Quidditch magazines (and other titles usually reserved for the the top shelf of a muggle newsagents) strewn around the bed she is certain is Peter’s. Speaking of which, she notices that he’s made no attempt to make it this morning and surprise, surprise neither has the bed next to it. Her eyes travel to the third bed which she knows to be Sirius’ and finds that he hasn't even bothered to draw the bed hangings. That leaves Remus’ bed at the far end. 

Lily walks towards it feeling strangely curious. She’d always wondered how the gentle mannered boy managed to survive amongst his boisterous friends. To her surprise this bed too hasn’t been made but there is a very good reason for this. Namely that the owner of the bed is still asleep in it and he doesn't appear to be alone. Cuddling into Remus’ side with his head tucked intimately under his chin and arm slung around his waist is no other than Sirius Black. 

Lily lets out a gasp of surprise without meaning to because somewhere in the back of her mind this isn't actually all that surprising. She’s seen how the pair of them are together and to be completely honest, this makes complete sense to her.

'What's wrong?' She can hear James stride from the door to come stand beside her, 'Oh,' he merely says, not needing her to answer. He's taking in the scene before him too. For a second Lily wonders at his reaction. He's calm as if he's not surprised by the sight of his two best friends lying intimately together. Perhaps this something that he already knows was happening and has, for once in his life, shown a little maturity about? But then... 

'I knew it!' James cries incredulously and Lily watches as the boys wake up; Remus looking startled and Sirius sleep fogged and confused. They untangle from their embrace and look towards the idiotic baboon that's making a scene two feet away from the bed they've been sharing.

'I fucking knew it!' The unlikely Head Boy continues; pointing his fingers at the pair.

'What's going on?' Sirius voice is heavy with a croaky sleepiness that could almost be described as sensual had he not looked utterly confused. Remus looks no better as he sits up; his whole demeanor could only be described as rumpled. 

'What's going on?' James cries out in disbelief, 'I think you should be the one to explain that!' 

'What's he on about Evans?' The raven haired boy looks to the girl who usually acts as the voice of reason and sometimes interpreter of the Marauder’s bewildering behavior. She almost begins to explain but thinks better of it. She knows exactly what James is getting at but she has a feeling it's been misjudged somewhat. Yes the pair looked incredibly intimate whilst they were asleep but on seeing them awake Lily can almost feel the innocence of the situation radiating from them. James crows on without even thinking.

'All those times I caught you both looking at each other funny! The hugs! The cosying up to one another! I thought I was imagining it but I've been right all along!' 

Lily expects to find Sirius looking outraged at the accusation but to her surprise sees a look of guilt flash across his features before settling on one of shame. Perhaps she was wrong? Perhaps it wasn't as innocent as she’d thought. But then…

'What exactly have you been right about all along?' Remus speaks up; his hair sticking up in all different directions.

'About you two! In bed together!'

‘And…? We were only having a nap!’ The werewolf protests but there's an underlying worry to the tone of his voice.

‘Yeah alright and me and Wormtail are planning on having a shower together later!’ James cries out incredulously, ‘And maybe after that we’ll have a cuddle down by the fire!’

‘That’s not how it is,’ Remus protests quietly; his face burning with embarrassment and shame. 

‘Oh really?’

‘Yeah,’ And Lily can tell Remus is speaking the truth but he appears somewhat mournful about it. She turns her attention towards the other boy who has been remarkably quiet these past moments despite the allegations being thrown at him. She finds him sitting on the edge of the bed looking pensive. She thinks this must be the first time she’s ever seen him like this. As if it's the only matter he’s ever been unprepared to shout and fight about.

'When I first started suspecting I have to admit I was a little disgusted by the idea,’ James begins.

'James,' Lily gives out a warning but he prattles on regardless.

‘I didn't really like the idea of my two best mates being, well, you know. But then it turns out Ian Woodside is too and he helped me out last term on that Transfig project and was a top bloke so I reckon if it was alright for him to be then it's certainly okay for the pair of you!' 

Despite James’ words of warped acceptance there’s a tense silence in the room; Remus is fidgeting with a corner of his duvet whilst Sirius is staring straight at the wall in front of him with an angry glare. Lily wishes someone would say something(other than James, who has clearly already said far too much);or laugh it off; or even start a tussle like they usually do to resolve arguments or misunderstandings but all they do is sit there and let the silence become more and more uncomfortable. 

‘Well as much as that warms my heart, mate, you can keep it because nothing's going on between us,’ Sirius’ smile is tight and his friendly tone forced and it’s now that Lily realises that, yes there is nothing going on but Sirius Black sincerely wishes something was. 

James looks at him for a moment before flitting his eyes across the bed to where Remus is perched on the furthest edge away from the boy he’d only moments ago been napping with. Lily hopes James reads the situation for what it really is and has enough sense to tread lightly. 

‘I see,’ he nods and Lily wants to cry out in thanks to whoever has blessed this infuriating boy with an ounce of sensitivity, no matter how delayed it has been. 

‘We better go,’ the redhead places a hand gently on his elbow, ‘We’re late for the meeting.’

‘Yeah,’ James replies distractedly as his attention is still focussed on his two shamefaced friends. He shakes himself a little and pulls all his attention towards the girl, ‘Yeah you’re right. Let's go.’

With one last apologetic glance at the boys James turns and leads Lily from the awkwardness in the room. She can't help but turn around once more for a parting glimpse of what they’re leaving behind. Sirius and Remus are sitting in silence, both looking anywhere accept the other. The embarrassment, confusion and unsaid words are hanging around them so clearly that something in her chest aches a little. Those poor boys, she thinks as she leaves the rooming closes the door.

‘Fuck!’ 

Her attention is brought squarely to James as they stand on the top of the stairway together. He’s rubbing his hands across face in anguish and Lily senses it's not because he disapproves of what so’s blatantly being ignored by his two friends but more because it's being ignored in the first place. 

*

Remus doesn't know where to look. He also doesn't know what to say. One of his best friends of nearly seven years is sitting only a few feet away from him and he doesn't even know how to act.

How…?

What…?

When he’d been lying chatting to Sirius only an hour ago on his bed he never thought things would come to this; the pair sitting in excruciating silence. He says the first thing that possibly makes sense to him.

‘Prongs is an idiot,’ he mumbles through the anxiety that’s gripping his chest as he continues to play with the edge of his bedding. He doesn't dare look across the bed towards the other boy.

‘Yeah,’ comes the soft spoken agreement.

‘And completely barmy,’ Remus continues for a want to say anything else.

‘Uh huh.’

Because he is, isn't he? How can he think that? How can he think something like that was going on between Sirius and himself? Sirius is Sirius for Christ's sake! He’s Hogwarts resident Lothario for starters as well as cool, smart, clever, popular, gorgeous…. Remus was just… Remus.

‘What he was saying was completely ridiculous! I don't know where he dreams this stuff up from.’

‘Don’t you?’

The bottom of his stomach drops.

‘W… What?’ He stutters through his confusion. He surely couldn't have heard his friend properly.

‘Don’t you?’ Sirius repeats and when Remus is brave enough to face him he turns to see the sincere expression on his friend’s face, ‘Like James says, we do act weird with one another; different.’

‘He didn't say that,’ Remus mumbles feeling awkward. He knows what ‘different’ means. He just wishes ‘different’ meant that nothing had to change.

‘Yeah, but that's what he was getting at. You’ve got to admit having a nap together is pretty strange.’

‘But it was an accident, we fell asleep talking.’

‘It wasn't the first time though, was it? And all those other things we do. We always cosy up together at the fire; touch one another; Christ my Animagus form couldn't be better matched to the wolf! It’s weird! I always thought it was…’

‘So then why do that stuff with me at all if it's so weird?’ Remus jumps in defensively.

Sirius goes really quiet for a moment and there’s embarrassment etched all over his face. He’s not looking at Remus but instead nervously fidgeting with his fingers. Remus doesn't think he’s ever seen him this anxious before.

‘Because I want to,’ the dark haired boy finally replies quietly.

Remus is dumbfounded, ‘You… You want to?’

He looks across the bed and watches Sirius give a small embarrassed nod; the implications of what he’s admitting to preventing him from turning to meet Remus’ eye.

‘And I think you want to too,’ he adds just as quietly.

Well, Remus thinks, he can't exactly deny that. He does like to sleep beside Sirius; he loves sitting with him; chatting to him; sharing secrets; touching him; running with him at the moon (so he’s told). He loves having his attention; sharing in his laughter; watching him play Quidditch and not just because he’s a good player. Sirius is beautiful. He’s easily the best looking bloke in the school and probably has been in decades. But he’s also beautiful on the inside too. He’s loyal, sometimes stupidly so. He’s charming to a point of infamy; everyone knows Sirius Black can talk himself in or out of anything (and a lot of girl’s knickers springs to Remus’ mind when he thinks about this) but most importantly he believes in something. Despite his privileged and bigoted upbringing he has the strength of character to forge his own beliefs.

Sirius has so much going for him and Remus… Well he’s aware that the second he leaves this castle in a few short months that anything has going for him is going to be ripped away by the prejudices of the world. The second he registers himself as a werewolf he is going to face a daily struggle. He’s not naïve enough to believe that employers, the ministry, landlords or even current unsuspecting school friends are going to see past the werewolf label. And the thought of dragging Sirius along for the bleak future he has in front of him when his own is no doubt destined to be a bright one breaks his heart more than never being able to have him does. Remus Lupin is destined for isolation and he won't be the man responsible for incarcerating Sirius Black in it too. 

‘Sirius…’ He sighs trying to work out the best way to make his friend understand but it's one of the hardest things he’s had to do in a long time. Who turns Sirius black down? Nobody. 

‘Remus,’ the dark haired boy appeals as he clambers over the bed to sit next his best friend, ‘I’ve tried so long to ignore this, what's between us, and I can't. It's all I ever think about. You’re all I ever think about.’

‘Sirius…’ The werewolf attempts to interrupt. He can't listen to this. It's… He… it’s breaking his heart into even smaller pieces.

‘And I don’t care that you’re a boy,’ Sirius tells him earnestly as he takes his hand to demonstrate how serious he is, ‘I just care that you’re you. I've never fancied a bloke before but if it means I'm a poof then I don't give a fuck.’

And looking up into his eyes Remus can see that he really doesn't. He looks nervous; a little bewildered by the feelings he’s explaining; yet strangely defiant as if he’s ready to fight against anything to prove it. But Remus knows he’s still underestimating the fight he’s declaring he wants to be a part of. A fight that has a prize that’s not got much worth. 

‘Remus?’ And uncertainty is already beginning to show on his beautiful, perfect features. 

‘I don't give a fuck that you're a bloke either,’ Remus concedes softly. It's killing him having to do this; more so when hope flames in the eyes of the other boy, ‘I made peace with that a long time ago…’

‘So you want to?’ Sirius interrupts eagerly and Remus has no choice but to plow on.

‘But I also made peace with the fact that I wouldn't do this; I never ever planned to have a wife or family Sirius…’

‘Well that's understandable if you’re bent.’

‘No. That wouldn't have been the reason. I do like girls too but that's neither here nor there because what I mean is that I wouldn’t involve someone else in my situation regardless of who they are.’

‘So you mean…?’ And with a frown of realisation Sirius let's go of his friend’s hand.

‘I can't allow you to be associated with me in that way.’

‘What? I'm already associated with you! Everybody knows we’re friends!’

‘Its not the same and you know it. Anyway people expect you to be friends with me. You’re Sirius Black. You’re a rebel. They’ll be able to look past you being friends with a werewolf and chalk it up to you trying to piss off your family.’

‘You know that's not why we’re friends!’ The dark haired boy swears vehemently.

‘But that's how it’ll look. How’s it going to look when people find out you’re… a… a sodomite with a dark creature?’

‘A sodomite?’ Sirius echoes absently before shaking himself, ‘I don’t fucking care what people think. You know I don't.’

‘But I do,’ the werewolf replies softly but he’s resolute, ‘I care what people think of you because I… I care about you too much to have people rip you to shreds because of me.’

The pair sit in retched silence as Sirius considers the auburn haired boy’s words. Remus watches as a myriad of emotions pass through his face. At first he looks despaired but then it morphs into indignation, ‘How could you be such a coward, I thought you were braver than this?’

And it's painful. So painful to hear his friend think so little of him.

‘A coward? The cowardly thing would be to let this happen and for you to suffer in spite of my happiness,’ Remus tries to reason with him, ‘This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.’

Because this is for Sirius. Truth be told everything he does is for Sirius; even breaking his heart.

‘You don't need to be a martyr to this Moony,’ And now Sirius is on his feet and is pacing angrily back and forward, ‘Jesus you can't do this to yourself!’

‘I can't do it to you either. Hurting you just now is kinder than destroying you a few years down the line,’ Remus says trying to convince his friend and himself, ‘You deserve someone you can be with without any of the stigma that's attached to my life.’

‘Moony…’ Sirius pleads with him to reconsider and it painfully reminds him of the last time his friend had begged him to reconsider something but that time had been for forgiveness over the whole Snape-Shack fiasco. 

‘I can't Sirius,’ and for all his tone has more assertion behind it, the fact that he’s staring at his own hands is doing him no favours so he forces himself to look directly at Sirius, ‘I won't.’

And that seems to do the trick because Sirius looks momentarily stunned. This is probably the first time he’s ever faced a romantic rejection but Remus knows that's not the issue for the Animagus. There’s no wounded pride at play here. The grey eyed boy stares at him blankly for a moment before a saddening realisation dawns over him. It begins in his eyes and takes over his whole body judging by the way he appears to slump. He’s smaller and less vibrant than usual.

‘Alright,’ he finally speaks, ‘Fine. If that's what you want,’ and the shutters have come down over his usually expressive eyes, ‘I’m going to go now. Think… Think I’ll take a shower. You… You probably have that Runes essay to finish so I won't keep you any longer.’

‘Are we going to be alright?’ Remus knows the answer. He knows he has hurt his friend’s feelings worse than he ever has done but he needs to ask.

‘Of course,’ comes the nonchalant reply but Remus knows its fake. He knows the tone from when Sirius is upset but doesn't want to cause a scene (something very rare indeed). 

He watches as the boy goes around picking up clean clothes before heading into the bathroom and deflates as soon as the door closes. Remus isn't sure what to think or do in that moment. He’s not sure if he’s just done the stupidest thing in his life or if he’s been right to put a stop to there feelings from the get go. Getting to his feet he lets out a groan at the anguish that's wracking his body. This is going to be difficult, he knows that, but in the long run it’ll work out for the best. In the mean time he just needs something to take his mind off what's just happened. Sirius was right, he does have an essay to finish so accepting that was as good a distraction as any he makes his way across the room.

‘Remus…’ Comes a voice behind him just as he reaches the dormitory door to head down to the common room and he turns to find Sirius walking timidly towards him. The dark haired boy stops in front of him and tries to work his mouth so he can say something but whatever it is is clearly not forthcoming so he moves closer still towards his friend.

Remus finds his body being pushed backwards and his lips being covered by the other boy's. For a split second he's angry that Sirius has just completely disregarded everything he's just said. Typical really, he could never handle things not going his own way. But then that feeling Remus has had in the pit of his stomach probably since he was fourteen begins to burn and the selfish part of him that wants as normal and fair a life as possible kicks in and he begins to kiss back. He indulges the other boy with a guiding hand to his cheek. He knows this is wrong and that it's something that he doesn't want, he's just told his friend the reasons why he doesn't, but at the same time it's all he's ever wanted. 

Sirius pulls back from his lips but keeps close. His forehead his rested against Remus', his hand is tangled in his shaggy hair and his eyes are locked onto his. The way Sirius is looking at him is frightening, exhilarating, maddening and every little contradiction that embodies Sirius Black. 

'I'm so sorry,' the dark haired boy closes his eyes as he practically speaks into Remus' mouth, 'I had to,' he takes a shaky breath as if under great exertion to control himself, 'Just once, I promise,' and those grey eyes are open again with a tenderness Remus never knew the boy possessed, 'Just once so I could know what it was like,' and he begins to pull away.

'Sirius...' The werewolf tries, left bereft still pressed against the wall, but barely a sound is made by him.

'I promise I won't ever do it again,' Sirius steals a mournful look at him before hiding his face by turning away, 'Never again Moony.'


	2. Ten Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so it's now a three parter... Anyway thanks for the comments and the kudos! Can't believe how many people have read this too! :D let me know what you think of where this has been taken! Much love!

2- 10 YEARS LATER

‘I can't believe you’ve got me in here,’ Lily admonishes lightly as she helps her husband search through the drawer after drawer in their kitchen, ‘Can’t we just open the bottle with magic?’

‘You know that usually makes the cork thing disintegrate into the wine,’ James reminds her as he begins piling random utensils back into the already checked drawer, ‘It’s manky!’

‘Manky!’ Lily chortles, ‘Since when do you care about stuff like that! Didn't you once drink half a bottle of cider that we once used as an ashtray?’

‘Yes but that was back when I was an immature, uncouth youth,’ James adopts a mock posh accent.

‘You downed a dirty pint at weekend if I remember rightly,’ Lily points out. 

‘Well I like pulling the cork screw out if you must know. Makes all this wine drinking feel more manly.’

‘Yeah you’re a real picture of masculinity when you have a glass of Merlot in your hands,’ Lily drones in good humour, ‘Ah ha!’ She cries and emerges from the fridge wielding a cork screw in her hand, ‘how’d it get in here?’

‘Harry?’ James offers as an explanation but he knows he’s probably been the culprit.

‘James Potter!’ His flame haired wife calls out indignantly, but there's a smile on her face and she winds her arms around his neck, ‘I stopped believing you blaming our beautiful son for things a long, long time ago. Especially after the time you tried to accuse him of mowing through the flower bed when I was know it was you and Sirius who charmed the lawn mower to fly!’

James laughs at the memory. Harry had only been four at the time and had giggled in delight when the mower had gone berserk and had gone on a rampage.

‘Well he has to take one for the team. He has to be inducted into the Marauders somehow!’

Lily smacks him up the side of the head before leaning in placing a soft kiss on the lips, ‘I’ve told you before, you are not to haze the boy as a means of testing his loyalty. Surely the child of two members is automatically accepted?’

Lily had been granted Honorary Marauder status back in their early twenties not long before she fell pregnant. The decision had come after she’d started a bar fight when the barkeep had refused to serve Remus on the grounds of him being a werewolf. Lily had tried to get the man to see reason but her famous temper had finally snapped after the man had repeatedly referred to their friend as ‘vermin.’ Afterwards, with swollen knuckles for Lily; a split lip for Sirius and broken glasses for James the group had apparated to the Hogs Head and had announced the woman’s acceptance into their gang. She’d also been made to down five shots of Firewhiskey in a row just to add a bit of flare to proceedings.

‘Maybe he should have the same induction you?’ James suggests on remembering what had happened and for his efforts is rewarded with another slap around the head but happily another kiss too.

‘Oi!’ Comes a voice from the other side off the kitchen door. It’s Sirius Black’s and he cries out again, ‘You’ve got guests out here dehydrating! Would you hurry bloody up!’

‘Trust him to lower the tone of a perfectly civil dinner party,’ Lily rolls her eyes as she pulls away from her husband and heads towards the door.

‘You give that man far too much credit if you thought he capable of anything else,’ James laughs as he follows the redhead through the door to the dining room of their home. 

Seated at the table is indeed Sirius who has pretended to faint with his head on the table for dramatic effect. Prat, James thinks fondly and decides he is most definitely pouring his glass last. 

Next to him sits a petite brunette whom his best friend has been married to for the last two years. Annabel is currently ignoring the performance of her husband but looks bemused by it nonetheless. 

Peter takes up another seat at the table and beside him is his girlfriend of just over a year and potential fiancé number three. The stout man hasn't had much luck in the whole marriage game with two previous partners giving him back his grandmother’s engagement ring. James sincerely hopes things go well with Janice and if Pete ever gets the nerve to ask again that she makes him a happy man. 

There are two more seats at the table, one of which is reserved for the last of their gang; Remus. He’s, as ever, running late and has promised to be along shortly. James knows shortly can range from between the next five minutes and the next half hour and as always he feels a little anxious about his arrival. It isn't that he’s not keen to see the man it's just that whenever Remus appears there’s a remarkable shift in atmosphere amongst the group. No, to be more precise, there's a remarkable change with Sirius and it isn't exactly pleasant. 

‘Are you sure you don't want one teensy little glass of wine?’ Sirius turns to Annabel with an eyebrow raised trying to temp her but she shakes her head in refusal.

‘Water’ll do me fine,’ she replies and as if to prove a point she lifts her glass from the table.

Before Annabel can bring the glass to her lips a shimmering object captures everyone's attention and comes to stand in the middle of the dinner table. There bobbing up and down next to a bottle of red wine is a parrot glowing in the ethereal silvery blue way all patronises do.

‘Healer Black,’ comes the voice James vaguely remembers from the last few times this has happened in his presence, ‘You’re needed at once. There’s been an accident with the Knight Bus and our ward is filling up.’

‘Christ!’ Annabel stands immediately jumping into action.

‘I should come too!’ Lily announces and makes to do the same.

‘Nonsense! This is your night off Lily. I've been on call for the last three nights so this was bound happen.’

‘Yeah and the other two nights we didn't have plans. Typical!’ Sirius comments light-heartedly and he’s given a quick apologetic kiss on the head from his wife.

‘Listen I don’t know how big this is going to be,’ Anna announces as she grabs her jacket and handbag, ‘but I’ll send word as soon as I know so you’ll know whether or not to expect me home at all tonight. You know how long some of these things can go on for.’

And he did. They all did really what with both Lily and Annabel being Healers at St Mungo's. There’d be times when the two of them would have to drop what they were doing at a moments notice and rush to work be it on Christmas Day; in the middle of Diagon Alley or, more to James’ frustration, during more intimate occasions. 

‘Don’t worry, I'll be fine,’ Sirius says as his wife strides towards the fireplace to make her exit, ‘I’ve got fine wine, good food and excellent company to keep me happy!’

And at his friend’s words James begins to feel guilty. Yes they do have all those things but what Sirius isn't aware of is that they’re having one more for company tonight and he knows for a fact his best friend isn't going to be too happy about it; especially now that his wife is running off.

As if his thoughts have been read the fireplace glows green and the flames flicker to bring someone into the dinning room just as Annabel is about to call out her destination and throw in her floo powder.

‘Anna!’ Comes the startled voice of Remus Lupin at finding that he’s nearly crashed into his best friend’s wife on his way in. He takes in the Floo powder in her hand before speaking again, ‘Going so soon?’

‘Work Remus darling,’ she kisses him quickly on the cheek in a gesture which says both hello and goodbye and rushes past him to get to her exit, ‘Oh hello Charlotte, I never saw you there,’ she stops momentarily to greet the woman standing behind Remus. James’ eyes quickly dash to look at Sirius and his reaction is just how he imagined; stoically passive. This expression is well known to James; he’s being wearing it on and off for the past ten years after all.

A green light flashes in the fireplace and with it Annabel is gone. In her place stands Remus and a small dark haired woman up until now none of the rest of the group have had the pleasure to meet. James studies her quickly and can already place her firmly into the category of ‘Remus’ Type’. She’s got all the attributes to fit in. Raven hair: check! Alabaster skin: check! Razor sharp cheekbones: check! It's all so predictable that it's almost painful. Once upon a time James would have felt sorry for these women who were so obviously a second rate version of a person Remus really wants them to be but now… He just feels pity for Remus and Sirius for that matter.

The pair sit at the table and Remus endeavours to make introductions. As per usual when Remus introduces a new partner to the group everyone is polite and borders on being delighted to meet them. As per usual there is one person who withholds from this ritual. Sirius, as always, flashes Charlotte a tight smile and a forced greeting of how nice it is to meet her. Usually these women barely notice his borderline abrasiveness but Remus does (and so does James, and Lily for that matter). The werewolf’s eyes linger on the man for much longer than necessary and Sirius stares right back. Lily once described the look as ‘smouldering’ and James has to agree it’s the best way to describe it.

Ever since he and Lily had walked in on the pair sleeping in Remus’ bed a decade ago things have been awkward between his two best friends. It had taken Sirius over a week to admit to James what had happened between them once James and Lily had left the room so that they could talk. 

At the time he’d believed that Remus would come round in time but as the years went on that hope had fizzled away and had been replaced with first exasperation and then a deep, deep pity for the two of them. 

Since that Sunday afternoon there had been two weddings (James to Lily, Sirius to Annabel); several failed engagements for Peter; the death of parents; the birth of the first Marauder offspring; a bloody war for Christ sakes; many drunken nights and just as many drunken heart-to-hearts and yet nothing had changed with their situation. For the past ten years Remus and Sirius had tentatively danced around one another with caution. After a six month period of mopping around heartbroken Sirius had thrown himself into relationship after relationship until he found a girl he could make it stick with and marry. Remus on the other hand, well, he had kept true to his word for eight years. Aside for a few one night stands he’d been forced to seek out of necessity Remus had stayed single. He’d only began dating in the last two years and had gone through a list of women Sirius might have been impressed with if he hadn't been so damn jealous of every single one.

And he certainly had been jealous. He treated even single one of them with either contempt or complete indifference. It was so blatantly obvious that he couldn't stand these women to be around Remus that James had to wonder how Annabel had never caught on. Then again perhaps it was the way that Sirius would otherwise occupy himself as being the perfect boyfriend and then later husband. If James hadn't known the nature of the feelings his best friend harboured for another man then he’d have been fooled by Sirius quite easily. 

Dinner is soon served and before long everyone is tucking into the meal James has spent the entire afternoon slaving over. The wine begins to flow and the chatter has ranged from small talk between two friends; table wide conversations and shared jokes and the usual debates over Quidditch. James can't help but watch the way Sirius interacts with the rest of the group. He makes easy small talk with Peter’s girlfriend (as Peter watches on worriedly incase Janice finds Sirius exceptionally charming this evening); he engages in banter with both Lily and James himself; he barely acknowledges whenever Charlotte speaks and uses this time to concentrate what's on his plate in front of him; and when Remus talks… he alternates between staring at him with that intense look of his to looking away bashfully when he caught. A blush even creeps on his face once or twice.

To say tonight is difficult for Sirius would be an understatement especially since Charlotte insists on cuddling into Remus’ arm every so often and on occasion has bestowed kisses onto his cheek (and once on his lips). Perhaps it's childish of Sirius to get so upset (although he works hard to hide it). Especially when he himself is never shy about the public displays of affection he has with Annabel in front of Remus. Yet James understands and he definitely understands when Sirius excuses himself for a cigarette in between courses no doubt because Remus and Charlotte have their heads very close and are giggling about something the rest of the table have no knowledge about. Once upon a time Sirius would have been the one giggling with Remus and it must hurt him to see himself being replaced. 

‘I think I might pop out with him actually,’ James says to excuse himself from the table, ‘Get some fresh air after eating that lot’ll do me good.’

His eyes meet with his wife’s briefly and an understanding passes between them. Lily has been privy to what’s been bothering his best friend for nearly as long as James has and over the years has come to harbour concern for the man as much as her husband.

James passes through the dish laden kitchen and makes his way out into the summer night. At the top of the garden steps he comes to view his friend lying in the middle of the grass of his back garden and watches him for a moment. The man is taking a long drag from a cigarette and looks utterly miserable as he gazes up into the night sky. It's such a beautiful night, there’s barely a chill in the air, and it seems such a shame they’re not in a more joyful mood. 

'I know I promised on your stag night never to bring it up again...' James begins as he makes his way over to him.

'Don't!' Sirius pleads sounding exhausted.

'But it clearly bothers you Pads...' 

'Nothing's bothering me. I don't even know what you're talking about,’ and Sirius takes another pull from his fag.

‘No, of course you don't,’ James falsely concedes with a roll of his eyes as he settles to lie in the grass next to his friend. The duo stay silent for a long time; both gazing up at the stars in the clear sky; both with matching pensive expressions.

‘I just don’t know how you do it,’ James finally breaks the silence.

‘Piss off!’ Sirius takes what James can tell is an angry draw of his cigarette and he continues as if uninterrupted. 

‘If I had to spend the last ten years pining…’

‘I do not fucking pine!’ And through the darkness James can see his friend’s eyebrows knit together in annoyance. 

‘Language! We’re right below Harry’s window!’

Sirius passes the half smoked cig to his friend, ‘We taught him all the best swear words together last year so It hardly matters.’

‘But Lily doesn't know!’ James pauses a moment in thought, ‘Actually swear away! That way I can point the finger at you! Anyway! Back on topic….’

‘Can we please be off topic?,’ the heartbroken man groans, ‘I really don't want to go through this with you again.’

‘No chance! Anyway as I was saying, if I had to pine for Moony for that amount of time I’d… I’d go bat shit mental!’

‘You’re already bat shit mental,’ it's sardonically pointed out to him, ‘And I was before any of this anyway! It's all in the past or it would be if you could only let it go!’

‘Me let it go! Pfft! I’m not the one who was giving Moony “The Moony face” over dinner,’ James gestures the air quotes with the cigarette still in one hand, ‘I'm not the one who positively screams “I want you to pump my bum” whenever I have a few drinks round about him.’

‘I have never said that to him in my life!’ Sirius sits up in outrage before settling back down into the grass.

‘No but it just… Oozes from you! And you so totally want to by the way and he definitely wants to,’ he sits up to mirror his friends position.

‘No actually he doesn't,’ Sirius lies back down, ‘He told me so when we were seventeen. You know this, I told you. You make me recite his exact words every time we’ve had one these excruciating heart-to-hearts you’re so bloody obsessed with! You bloody girl!’

‘Talking about my feelings doesn't make me a girl! It's healthy!’ As if Remus and Sirius’ total refusal to broach the subject of their feelings wasn't proof enough! ‘But… There are some cases where words are totally overrated.’

‘Like this conversation?’

‘No like when Moony tells you he doesn't want to be with you. I don't know if you noticed but the clues which have pointed to the contrary have been there over the years. Even as close as your stag do and wedding day.’

‘You don't know what you’re talking about.’ Sirius growls.

‘I do actually,’ the bespectacled man replies casually as he flicks the still glowing stub of the cigarette away into the darkness, ‘Like when at the stag Remus was practically all over you. I actually thought he was making a last ditch attempt to seduce you from the jaws of heterosexual monogamy.’

‘You sound ridiculous,’ comes the flat reply.

‘And you were loving it! But then he disappeared right before the end and all my hopes that you’d pop your arse cherry were dashed.’

‘How romantic.’ And Sirius’ voice is just as flat as before.

‘Very,’ James concedes, ‘then at the wedding it looked like he was watching a man being condemned to the gallows. Scratch that, he looked he was being condemned to the gallows.’

‘He was hungover.’

Yes probably, James thinks, but there was a reason why Moony had drunk himself into oblivion the night before.

‘Then there was the time we went to Brighton with Harry on that scorching hot day. You were sunbathing whilst the girls went to get ice creams and he was watching you as if he’d rather lick you all over instead.’

James had contemplated leaving the pair alone to see if anything could develop but his timing had been off and the girls had returned with ice creams for everyone.

‘You’re perverted, do you know that?’

‘Hmm just as well since my two best friends are. And before you start I mean that in a “I wish you’d just be perverts together” kind of way,’ And it was true. Yes at first the idea that the pair fancied each other had icked him out but the way everything had turned out, well, he could see past all the ‘gayness’ and see that they genuinely loved one another. He’d rather have his friends be bent and happy than witness this excruciating charade much longer, ‘I wish you’d just bum each other already! Be straight with one another, so to speak.’

‘Im glad you’re enjoying yourself finding my actual life so bloody hilarious! I actually live this shit you’re mocking!’ Sirius admonishes him as he tugs at the grass on the ground either side of his body.

‘I don't find your life hilarious at all mate. I find it frustrating as fuck. I don't understand how you can cope with it.’

‘I cope just fine! Need I remind you that I'm married by the way. You seem to have forgotten this whilst playing this little agony uncle game! Everything you’ve just suggested is completely void unless you’re actually encouraging me to cheat and I’ve never pegged you as someone that’d condone that.’

‘I normally wouldn't… But…’

‘But?’ Sirius challenges him.

‘Lily’s going to kill me for suggesting this but… Sirius you’re so clearly miserable. And I can't tell if this is something that can be fixed with a quick shag or something more drastic. So I guess I am encouraging you to cheat but only cause I love you and I hate seeing you like this. Plus it's not fair on Anna is it?’

‘Leave her out of this!’ Sirius’ surliness comes flooding back.

‘You’re the one who brought her up in the first place and let's face it, she has a lot to do with this. You owe her that acknowledgement at least. It's not very fair that you married her when you’re obviously in love with someone else.’

‘I’m not in love with him… Not anymore.’

Not this again.

‘Come on!’ James pushes himself up onto one arm so that he’s towering over his friend, ‘I seen you earlier on! I have eyes! The second he walked through that fireplace with Charlotte it was written all over your face how jealous you were.’

‘I’m not jealous…’ The grey eyed man crosses his arms in defiance.

‘You are!’

‘I’m not, I promise! I’m… It….’ And James can see him falter a little. 

‘It…?’ He pushes and preys for progress.

Even through the darkness he can see Sirius’ pain filled eyes search the sky. ‘It just… It just hurts alright? It just hurts that he lied to me!’

‘Lied to you?’

‘About… About not getting involved with anyone,’ his voice is soft now; fragile almost, ‘About not letting anyone else involved in his ‘situation’. He… He could have just told me he wasn't interested. That he isn't bent or willing to be bent.’

‘Mate, Moony’s definitely bent. Well, definitely bent for you at least. It couldn't be any more obvious that he fancies you. I'm surprised Charlotte and Anna haven't noticed!’

‘And yet he has a girlfriend!’ Sirius cries out incredulously, ‘What's that all about?’

‘Well I might be incorrect here, I doubt I am, but didn't he only start dating once you got married? Aside from a few one night stands didn't he stay completely single until after you tied the knot?’

‘Yeah, so?’

‘Well don't you think that maybe he regretted this whole ‘no significant other in his life’ rule he had going on? That maybe he was lonely and only realised after you got hitched?’

There’s silence for a while whilst Sirius thinks James’ words over, ‘I think my theory is closer to the truth.’

‘He drank himself silly at your wedding reception,’ James points out, ‘To the point where his hangover resembled one of the days after his transformations.’

‘Everyone drinks too much at weddings,’ the dark haired man desperately reasons.

‘He told Lily he was lonely and any fool can work out who he’d rather be with.’

You! You berk! 

James wants to shake him.

‘And yet he’s not.’

‘Why are you fighting against this so much? You know I'm talking sense!’

‘Because…’ And Sirius pauses and looks like he’s struggling over what he’s about to say, ‘Because I don’t think I can bare the thought of us wasting the last ten years in vein. That his whole martyr act has been…’ But he leaves what he was about to say unsaid.

James understands how difficult this must be but honestly! They’re supposed to be best friends, Remus and Sirius, and they can't even be truthful with one another. How can they be content with leaving things the way they are when they clearly don’t need to be? It’s getting ridiculous! Ten years of watching one another suffer. Ten years of bloody heartbreak when it's so unnecessary! It's making James mad and he regrets not bashing their heads together back when all this first happened. Well he’s not going to pussy foot around them anymore.

‘Now who’s the martyr, eh?’ He begins with a tinge of anger to his voice, ‘Jesus! Listen, you just need to work out which your more willing to bruise; your goddamn heart or your stupid pride.’

‘But it's not as straight forward as that. There’s Anna to think of…’ and Sirius is taken aback by the harsher reaction of his best friend.

‘If you were really thinking of her you wouldn't have married her in the first place. She’s a wonderful woman, and Christ knows how she puts up with you even at your best, but she deserves so much better.’ He gets to his feet then. He doesn't mean to sound uncaring about the situation but sensitivity hasn't worked an inch so it's obviously time to change tact, ‘Now for God sake sort this mess! You deserve so much better and so does Remus for that matter.’

Sirius just stares at him with wide eyes.

‘Now I think we better get going back inside,’ he continues in his assertive tone but offers a friendly hand to help Sirius to his feet, ‘They’ll be sending out a search party for us.’

And wordlessly Sirius follows him back into the house. 

Lily waves a hand in front of her face as James and Sirius rejoin the dinner party, ‘If you’re going to smoke Potter you might at least smoke something decent. Those cheap cigs Sirius insists on buying are the foulest by far.’

‘I always quite liked the smell of them,’ Remus says to the group somewhat bashfully and James isn't surprised. The scent of the particular brand Sirius smokes always clings to him; it's so intrinsically Sirius that of course his other friend likes the smell. It must be the same as how he loves the smell of Lily’s lavender shampoo because it constantly clings to her. 

‘I thought you didn't smoke Remus?’ Charlotte questions her boyfriend with teasing accusation.

‘I don’t anymore unless I've been drinking a lot but we used share cigs back at school.’

‘More like you and Sirius used to smoke them and leave none for James and I,’ Peter chortles with a mouth full of food, ‘the pair of you were forever behind the greenhouses together!’

The double entendre fails to slip past everyone who attended Hogwarts, namely everyone except Charlotte, and an awkward silence ensues. James wants to applaud Peter for his foolishness and stops himself from making a biting remark that would have gone a little like, ‘Well done Wormtail now why don't you tell about the time we caught them in bed together and accused them of shagging!’ But he doesn't because contrary to Lily’s assertions he has grown up and has learned to not let his mouth run away from him.

James casts a glance toward his best friend to find him staring down into his plate with a look of discomfort.

‘Well I'm glad you don't now,’ Charlotte practically purrs in Remus’ ear but speaks loud enough for all to hear, ‘Kissing you might taste like kissing an ashtray and I couldn't stand that.’ And as if to emphasise the point she places a kiss on the werewolf’s cheek. James watches as Remus blushes at the attention and almost misses catching him looking up through his eyelashes across the table toward their other friend. 

He really doesn't understand how Sirius copes with it all. If he had to watch Lily fawn all over someone else he’d probably have some kind of aneurism or die from a broken heart but somehow Sirius gets by and James wonders if he’s secretly a little masochistic; Remus too for that matter. He hadn't been lying earlier when he’d said he knew Remus still fancied him. He saw proof of it nearly every day.

For the rest of the meal Sirius is uncharacteristically subdued; Anna’s absence meaning he can't hide behind her like he usually does when they’re in the company of Remus. His laughter is louder and he almost seems like his old self when his wife is close by and while some may put this down to the beauty of love James can see its fake. It's an act the man puts on for the world to see in a show James likes to privately call ‘I’m Alright As Long As I’m the Dutiful Husband’ and just like every show James has seen repeated more than a million times he can predict the lines and actions of Sirius every single time. It's exhausting and more than a little maddening.

As the night wears on the wine begins to flow freer and the group become rowdier. Jokes become lewder and laughter in reaction to them louder. All of this happens with the notable exception of Sirius who appears to shrinking into himself with every glass he drinks and the reason why hasn't gone unnoticed by James. Sitting across the table from Sirius now is not only Remus but his girlfriend. She is perched on his knee and judging by the amount of times she’s kissed her boyfriend is clearly feeling a bit amour-is towards him. 

‘I think I'm going to head,’ the stormy eyed man says to nobody in particular and makes to stand up. Everyone at the table looks in his direction but it's down to tonight’s host to try and talk him out of it.

‘Come on Pads just stay a little longer?’

‘Nah mate, sorry. I'm starting to get a sore head and I’m tired. Had a great night though.’

Lies, James thinks.

‘Are you alright Pads?’ The soft questioning comes from across the table and Remus can be found to look genuinely worried, ‘You’ve been a little quiet all night.’

‘Just feeling a little bit off,’ the grey eyed man shifts around a little awkwardly without looking at his concerned friend. 

‘You do look a little peeky,’ Charlotte unknowingly dares to contribute and the politest reply Sirius can manage is a shrug of the shoulders.

‘I’ll see you all later, yeah?’ And once he’s thanked Lily for dinner he heads towards the fireplace and is gone without saying another word.

James stares after him for a long time and contemplates going after him.

‘Is he alright?’ Remus asks gently and when James turns towards him he finds that Charlotte is no longer sitting on his knee. The werewolf looks apprehensive or guilty almost and James wants to scream at him then and there to bloody fix this. To stop being so bloody stubborn and make things the way they’re suppose to be. But he can't do that of course because Lily will castrate him for making a scene and this whole mess doesn't deserve to create anymore casualties. So he settles for an answer that is not only calm but also honest.

‘I dunno mate,’ he sighs with a tinge of frustration, ‘but I doubt I'm the one who can help him.’

Remus’ eyes lock with his own and a silent understanding passes between them. He just hopes Remus is man enough to act upon it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius just isn't coping but neither is someone else.

The flat is in complete darkness when Sirius steps through the fireplace out into his living room. For a brief moment he considers turning some lights on but with the mood that he's currently in, he just leaves them off. All he wants to do is curl up in his bed and forget this night has even happened; he kind of wishes he could do that with the last decade if he's completely honest with himself.

With the numb yet gloomy feeling he usually has whenever he arrives back home after a night of socialising with the whole gang, the dark haired man kicks off his shoes as he walks through to the kitchenette aspect of his modest Pimlico flat and retrieves himself one of those muggle beers Anna has picked up for him and necks half of it with the fridge door still open. On his way back through the living room, as he walks towards his bedroom, he shucks off his beaten leather jacket, tosses it on an arm chair before taking a few more strides before he can toss himself down on to his bed. Miraculously he doesn't spill a drop from his bottle.

He stares at the ceiling above his bed and tries to make his mind as blank as the surface he’s looking at; it isn't working. Images from the last few hours flit through his mind like an assault. Images of an auburn haired man laughing demurely as that dark haired jezebel whispers something in his ear; images of the same harpy sitting on his knee and pawing at him; images of golden eyes staring at him intently whenever Sirius’ eyes furtively look in the Welsh man’s direction. He wishes it didn't bother him. He wishes the nonchalance he fakes whenever Remus is around him was real but the truth of the matter is he’s in bloody turmoil and it happens every bloody time after they've spent any time together. Sometimes he can cope with it, just about, because he can focus all his energy on Anna and the life they've made together. It's easy to suppress the distress he feels when he's around her because she's so brilliant and so loving and so…

She isn't Remus though. At one time he thought he could replace his love for the other man by loving her with all his heart but at the end of the day it's only added to his turmoil and guilt. He's very aware that he’s using his wife as a replacement and that as a replacement, she's just not cutting it. In short, he's being a complete dick. Yet the thought of doing the right thing and letting Annabel go is terrifying to him. She's his rock; the only thing that keeps him from going completely insane about this… the only thing that keeps him from feeling so lonely…

The other option, of course, is to cut all ties with Remus but that seems just as terrifying to him. Not only could he not bear the implications of never having Remus in his life in some capacity he couldn't bear the implications of cutting Remus from his life on his relationship with his other three friends. The four of them came as a package; five if he counted Lily, which he did. Their lives were so intricate with James practically being his brother and with that Lily being his sister-in-law. He knew Remus and Lily had grown close over the last ten years since they’d left school; especially since Lily insisted on caring for him after his transformations what with her healing skills. James watched out for the werewolf in a way that was practically father like and Peter and Remus had always shared a bond as being the quieter ones of their little gang. In short, if Sirius were to ‘give up’ his friendship with the auburn haired man, no matter how tenuous it currently was, he'd be giving up a hell of lot more; he’d be giving up the only family he had. It just wasn't an option.

The dark haired man groans in frustration at the hopeless of the situation; complete torture was the only option left for him. Everything was such a bloody mess! It was times like these that he completely regretted ever admitting to the way he felt for the other man all those years ago. Had he kept his mouth shut all he would have to do was silently suffer as he and Remus continued to be great friends. Instead they tiptoed around each other which made every single one of their interactions for the past ten years as awkward as hell and it was just exhausting! Very rarely were they left alone together; very rarely did they have a conversation one-on-one. Whenever he heard the other man so much as mention his name he could hear it waver in discomfort. He used to shiver in delight to hear the melodic way his friend’s Welsh accent used to pronounce his name, now it was said hastily like. A dirty word.

Suddenly, in the quietness of his flat, he hears the whooshing sound of his fireplace flare up and his nose catches the faint magical smell of the floo powder his canine senses were always keen on. Briefly he wonders if it's Annabell but he knew from her message earlier that she won’t be home until at least morning. It must be James then, he decides. He had caught him giving him a worried look as he’d hastily made his way towards the Potter fireplace and was no doubt checking up on him. Deciding it was better to get the reassurances out of the way, he calls out to his friend.

‘I'm in here Prongs!’ He calls out from his horizontal position across his bed, not bothering to sit up. James has seen him look pathetic plenty of times for him to care, ‘And before you ask I'm bloody alright!’

‘That's good to know,’ A Welsh accent replies and Sirius sits up like a shot. 

‘Moony,’ he gasps before stopping himself and sure enough there is Remus leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom door looking apprehensive, ‘What… what are you doing here?’

‘I just thought….’ The awkward looking man is looking down at his trainers, ‘well…. You seemed… well upset, I think… when you left Prongs’… I just thought I'd check up on you.’

Sirius gapes at him for a moment. It was such a foreign scenario these days for them to be left alone together, let alone having Remus stand in his bedroom that it has caught him a little of guard. 

‘ ‘M fine,’ he finally manages to blurt out.

‘Right,’ the werewolf nods as he continued to peer down at his shoes and Sirius can see that he is frowning, ‘I was just worried cause you also said you weren't feeling well. I just thought someone should check on you.’

‘Well no need,’the dark haired man tries for casual but can hear the awkwardness in his voice, ‘like I said, I'm fine. So… You can go back to The Potter’s now. It's not very gentlemanly to leave… whats-her-face… Cheryl all alone with people who are practically strangers to her.’

Remus lets out a tiny huff of exasperation at this as he now leans against the doorframe and watches his own fingers slide against the wood and Sirius takes in the sight of him. Standing here in his bedroom; a scenario he's possibly thought about every single night of his life since he was God knows what age.

‘It's Charlotte actually,’ the man finally speaks as he continues to be preoccupied with the doorframe, ‘And I didn't leave her there, I dropped her off home before coming to check on you.’

There's something about the way that the other man is so obviously avoiding to look at him that begins to madden Sirius. Sure they haven't really been looking at one another for a full decade now, well apart from the furtive glances they both indulge in when they think they can get away with it, but now when they are finally alone together after all these years and the other man has gone to all the trouble of following him back here, he thinks he deserves at least a little eye contact; especially in his own home. So Sirius does what Sirius has always done best. He attention seeks in a way that has always worked for him; he lets his sharp tongue lash out in order to get the response he wants. 

‘Poor show Moony, judging by the way that she was pawing at you all night I would have thought she was a sure thing!’

And that does it, suddenly Remus is looking at him and Sirius is faced with a look that encompasses shock, hurt and anger all in one go.

‘She was hardly pawing at me!’ Is what the other man retorts with.

‘Oh please she was practically climbing in your lap begging for it,’ Sirius shoots back cynically.

‘Showing a bit of affection is hardly begging for it!’

‘Oh and you'd know about that, showing affection towards others?’

‘What's that supposed to mean?’

And he nearly does it, he nearly lets it all gush out of his mouth; all of the twisted, bitter, jealous thoughts he has had to swallow down over the years but it seems he’s become well practiced at biting his tongue these days so instead he just flops back down on to his bed and waves a hand dismissively at the other man.

‘Nothing. You can go now since I'm fine and all.’

He can't see Remus from his position on the bed so instead stares up towards the ceiling of his bedroom and waits for a noise to tell him that the other man has walked away. Nothing happens. Instead Sirius continues to stare at his ceiling all too aware that he is being watched by the other man. He's just about to sit up to ask him what he's waiting for when a quiet voice breaks the silence.

‘I hate this you know,’ The Welsh man states softly and then says no more and it leaves Sirius frowning up at ceiling with a million and one replies on the tip of his tongue. They range from asking what the hell he is on about (although it's obvious); to telling him he hasn't exactly enjoyed this perpetual awkwardness; to screaming at him that it was all his fault in the first place. Instead he just sticks to the tried and tested method of keeping silent around Remus.

‘We used to be… we were…’ Remus struggles on, ‘… mates. We were really good mates once.’

Sirius pushes himself up on his elbows and looks at the other again. ‘Yeah,’ he concedes, ‘but we both know why we’re not anymore.’ Actually, why ignore the neon pink hippogriff in the room?

And now Remus goes back to watching his hand run along the wood of the doorframe. ‘Had I known we would have ended up like this I’d…’

‘You'd what?’ Sirius interrupts him with a challenging look on his face.

‘I…’

‘Wouldn't have broken my heart?’ The increasingly indignant man prompts him and watches as he shifts and squirms uncomfortably. Remus’s amber eyes searches around the room as if looking for what to say. He looks completely lost and a little traitorous part of Sirius wants to do nothing more than stand up, stride over to him and pull him into his arms. But life's not like that; they're not like that and haven't been for a very long time.

‘Well,’ He watches as Remus frowns, ‘Yeah.’

And now it's his turn to frown. ‘I don't understand,’ he says flatly.

‘Sirius,’ Remus pleads with him; clearly finding it difficult to explain himself, ‘I… God, I'm just going to say it. I miss you, okay? I really fucking miss you.’

‘You miss me?’ The surprised man echoes dumbly.

‘Yes,’ the werewolf nods shyly.

‘You miss me?’ He repeats again just to make sure he isn't hearing things or hallucinating.

‘Yes!’

And then anger begins to bubble in his chest. ‘You miss me?’ He asks indignantly this time. ‘I haven't been anywhere Remus. I've been right here, all this time, at arms length and now you’re deciding that you miss me? Ten years on?’

‘I've always missed you Pads,’ the auburn haired man responds despondently.

‘And yet you thought you'd wait ten years to clear the air?’

Remus rightfully hangs his head in shame, ‘I just didn't know how to tell you.’

‘How about ‘Sirius mate, let's stop acting like prats because we used to fancy each other. Let's stop acting as if one of us will wet ourselves if we're left alone together’?’ 

'It wasn't that easy,’ the werewolf claims but his soft tone is no match for Sirius’ harsh one.

‘And the last ten years have been?’ 

'No...'

‘Because let me tell you! These past few years… this past fucking decade…’

‘You seem to be doing pretty well to me,’ Remus interjects and it stuns the dark haired man into momentary silence and listens as the werewolf loses his calm composure. ‘You and Anna are the perfect couple. Always have been. Do you know how difficult it was for me to hear everyone say that? To have everyone comment on how happy she makes and how much being in love suited you!’

‘What was I to do Remus?’ Sirius asks him scathingly, ‘You rejected me! You! Rejected! Me! Not the other way around! You can't blame me for looking for a little bit of happiness in my miserable little life?’

‘Of course not! It doesn't make it any easier though! I'm not totally devoid of feeling!’

‘You could have fooled me!’

‘Fuck you! Alright? Fuck you! I'm sorry that you still feel put out about something that happened nearly a decade ago but I'm not sorry that you completely failed to understand why I did it. I thought I was doing the right thing! Okay? I thought I was saving you! I never for a moment thought…’ And now the Lupines anger begins to falter, ‘I… I…’ Sirius watches as he sits himself down on the edge of the bed with a pensive look on his face as he considers his next words. ‘it wasn't that I didn't want to… I did… I really did… I just… At the time we were gearing up to leave Hogwarts and all I was hearing was how difficult life was going to be for me. From the professors, at my careers meeting, in books and in the newspapers. From everywhere! I was coming to terms with the fact that my life was going to be a huge struggle with prejudices at every turn and I didn't…’

‘Want the stigma of being gay too? Because Moony… We could have been discreet. It wouldn't have been anyone else's business but our own. Plus Prongs and Lils seemed alright with the idea…’

‘No! No!’ And now Remus has declined so that he too his lying down on the bed. He heaves a giant sigh and then begins explaining. ‘It wasn't just that. That wouldn't have… It wasn't the stigma I was going to face. I couldn't put you through that. I couldn't drag you down with me. My life was destined to be shit. And you'd finally gotten yourself out that hellhole of a house and I'd never seen you happier… I couldn't ruin that…’

‘But Moony… the reason why I was so happy was because of you guys. All of you. Especially you. The time we… Do you know how much I loved spending time with you? Even just sitting alone with you in the dorm doing absolutely nothing. I passed on dates just so I could sit next to you while you studied. I went out of my way just so we could be partnered in potions together. I annoyed Prongs into inviting you to his house during the holiday no matter if you'd only been there the day before. Persuaded him to fly to Wales with me in the rain… what I'm saying is… You made me happy… Being near you no matter what we were doing… No matter what the circumstance… That would have made me happy. So all these years of not being near you and not being friends… We could have still been friends.’

Silence is made that bit more intolerable when an unfortunate truth hangs in the air.

‘I've been an idiot, haven't I? I've wasted so much time… I ended up losing you anyway and now…’

It too late.

‘We could be friends now?’ Remus asks tentatively but his eyes shine bright with eagerness.

Sirius studies the face in front of him for a moment. He remembers all those great times back at school; of Remus making sarcastic comments under his breath that only Sirius could hear; of the pair of them talking animatedly over records Remus had smuggled into the dormitory; of laughing at James’ attempts at wooing Lily with that sense of disaster that made them giggle nervously in unison; of post-moon retellings of their adventures on four paws; of sharing concerned looks over werewolf stories in the newspaper; of whispered secrets in the dead of night when neither could fall asleep; of sitting so close on the common room sofa Sirius could hardly breath; brushing hands when passing dishes at the dinner table; of napping together in the afternoon and never feeling so content; of watching Remus sleeping soundly; watching the way his eyelashes fluttered as he slept; watching him bite his lips as he concentrated on his reading; the feel of his fingers carding through Sirius’ hair when they relaxed in front of the fire together; the way those eyes burned when he took. In the sight of Sirius as he walked around the dormitory in just a towel; the way they would ice over whenever a girl flirted outrageously with him; his crumpled face in the morning; his throaty laugh at night when he was tired; those gasping noises he made behind his curtains when he thought no one else could hear him…He thinks about all those times and he knows… He knows without a doubt that… that… He can't be just friends with this man.

‘ can't…’ He admits.

‘Oh…’ Remus replies and it's as if the disappointment physically weighs him down because he lies himself down on the bed and looks up towards the ceiling and Sirius can see he’s fighting against the crushing feeling Sirius is also experiencing at him admitting the truth. In complete sympathy Sirius lies down beside him.

‘I'm sorry,’ he apologises gently.

‘It's okay,’ But the tone suggests otherwise, ‘I understand.’

‘I don't think it'd be fair. On any of us. It'd be too…’

‘Yeah… It wouldn't be fair on Anna especially.’

And the mention of her name acts like a fire blanket over their conversation; dousing any progress they’ve made. Remus is right, it would be fair on Anna. What kind of person would Sirius be purposely bringing someone closer into his life that potentially meant more to him than the woman he married? How could even call himself her husband after he did that? He might as well shag the other man if he thinks doing that is any better. 

Anna didn't deserve that. She deserved a husband who wasn't emotionally invested into a relationship with someone else. She deserved someone who was truly the dutiful husband; someone who could fully commit to their marriage with no lingering doubts. Someone who could invest in their future and give her everything she ever wanted; the partnership; the forever; a family of their own…

An unease settles over the married man. 

‘She wants a baby.’ And the softness in Sirius’ tone does nothing to mask how frightened he is about that prospect. When he looks up to meet Remus’ eyes he see’s the panic he himself has been feeling ever since Annabel brought the topic up six months ago. ‘She wants to start a family,’ he further explains, though there is no need to because judging by the look on Remus’ face he understands the enormity of that decision.

‘You’ll make a great father,’ he finally replies mournfully.

‘No I won't,’ and Remus’ eyes flit back to his in shock. ‘I'll be no better than my own father bringing up a child out of the sense of duty rather than actually wanting to have one.’  
The atmosphere is a little uneasy as Remus works out what he can say.

‘Have you tried telling Anna that? Maybe she’ll understand?’

'She won't,’ Sirius refuses.

‘She might.’

‘Not likely. She has her heart set on it. Plus what am I supposed to say? Sorry darling I don't think having a child is a great idea because I'm in love…’ Sirius stops talking the second he realises that he's strayed into a dangerous territory yet again but it's too late. They both know what was about to be said. Remus stares at him with astonished yet hopeful eyes. Neither say anything and a silence stretches as they stare across the duvet at one another. For a brief second they’re seventeen years old again and Sirius wants to tell his best friend all of his deepest secrets and fears.

'I should never have married her…’

And just as he always did when they were younger, Remus takes a moment to consider his confession so that he can react to it appropriately.

‘You don't mean that,’ he finally replies.

‘I do. I wish I didn't but I do,’ the Raven haired man scrubs his hands over his face, ‘I love her but the truth is… I guess… I love her because I'm… Im so grateful to her.’

'Sirius...' The auburn haired man breathes out in shock at the admission of the other man.

‘I'm grateful for her for so many reasons but I guess the main one is that she's helped me take my mind off the fact that I love someone else. She makes it so easy to love her… She's brilliant and funny and kind and so beautiful but…’

‘But…’ 

‘She isn't you, is she?’ Grey eyes finally looked up to meet hopeful ones, 'I love you and I'm afraid I always will and that isn't fair on her; regardless if you feel the same way or not. It's not good enough; I'm not good enough. She deserves better, she always has.’

Those brilliant, beautiful amber eyes look it him with so much pity and longing that Sirius can hardly stand it.

‘And what about you? What do you deserve?’

‘Nothing. Everything. I don't know? I never set out to hurt anybody. I just didn't want to be lonely and now look what's happened; I've dragged somebody else into this mess. I should have just done what you did; stay single, not commit to anyone. That way nobody else would have got hurt.’

‘It wasn't exactly a picnic,’ Remus retorted softly. ‘For years I thought I was doing the right thing. It wasn't until it was too late that I realised I only acting like some kind of pointless martyr.’

‘Too late?’

‘I… erm - well since we’re both being honest – about four years back I thought about… I wanted to…’

A realisation dawns on Sirius as he thinks back four years ago. ‘I met Anna four years ago…’

Remus looks away shamefaced, ‘Er… yeah…’

A sinking feeling bottoms out in his stomach and Sirius sincerely hopes his friend isn't implying what he thinks he might be implying.

‘What were you going to do?’ The Raven haired man asks in soft urgency. Sirius watches as the other man struggles with his words and his suspicions are confirmed. ‘You could have said something Remus; you should have.’

‘But you seemed to like her so much, so quickly. How would that have looked?’ Remus implores him, ‘Like I was toying with you; that I couldn't stand you to be happy and that wasn't true. I wanted you to be happy.’

‘At your own expense? At both our expenses? Remus… I…’ He's at a loss for words as this new information brings on a torrent of realisations. ‘I would have gone with you at a drop of a hat.’

'You really don't mean that…’ the werewolf tells him desperately.

‘I do!’ Sirius says fiercely and in his passion he reaches out and grabs a hold of the other man's cheek.

‘You don't,’ Remus refuses and looks away to shield the pain in his eyes.

‘I would have! I still would…’

And there, he's said it, the whole truth. Sirius Black would drop his entire existing life at the word of this other man. This man who he has loved and obsessed over probably since he was about eleven years old. All Remus had to do was be honest too. ‘I love you and I'd do anything to be with you. Now and forever.’ Remus, quite rightly, looks stunned. Sirius waits as a wave of emotions flits over those large, Amber, express-full eyes. ‘Just say the word Moony,’ he says in earnest and moves his face closer to the one that he's holding, ‘I'd leave everything for you. The whole world behind if I need to.’

A hand grips his own where it's still cupping Remus’ face and it's then that he notices that the werewolf is shaking. ‘That'd be me asking an awful lot from you Sirius.’

‘So is asking me to live without you Moony. It is so fucking hard.’ They've moved even closer to one another now. ‘Almost impossible.’ 

He's on the cusp of something here. His heart beats wildly and he feels like he's on the edge of a precipice; just a few more words and there will be no going back. ‘Please… What do you say?’

Remus is staring at him with terrified eyes. Sirius is free falling. His whole life depends on this.

‘…’

Remus finally swoops in and safes him with a kiss. A kiss which has been so longed for that it's enough to make him start shaking. It's glorious. It's rapturous. It's what he's wanting for his entire adult life.

‘I've missed you!’ Remus whines into his mouth, ‘So fucking much. I've missed you, I've missed you, I've missed you.’

They're so close to one another; clinging on for dear life that Sirius can feel the werewolf’s heart thumping in his chest.

‘I'm right here. I'm here now and I don't need to go anywhere. I'm yours Moony. I always have been.’

‘I've always loved you,’ the werewolf asserts desperately, ‘I always have, its just that I've not always been so clever about it.’

‘We can change that. We can. I'll leave Anna for you. I'll leave her and come to you.’

Remus looks utterly anguished at the idea. ‘I can't ask you to do that. It’ll destroy her. I don't want you to break her heart just to…’

‘Remus I’ve just admitted to someone that I love them more than I love my wife. Regardless of where you fit into all of this I need to leave her. She deserves better than me. So that means I'm going to be single so…’

Remus surges forward again to plant a kiss on Sirius’ mouth. It's all so surreal. Ten years of avoidance and then this. All of a sudden an impatience sweeps over the dark haired man; he needs to make everything right. The idea of being with Remus has been so precious to him over the years that he refuses to tarnish it by kissing him when he shouldn't be. So in order to do the right thing he gently pushes the other man away from him. Remus looks confused it the sudden change of behaviour.

‘Then we shouldn't be doing this. Not just now. I won't cheat on Anna. I need to do this properly.’

‘Alright,’ the werewolf concedes soberly and sits up a little so that there's some distance between them. Sirius gazes up at the man and marvels at what has just happened in those last few minutes. Remus is his. Remus wants to be his. He's chosen to be with Sirius after all this time. He can hardly believe it.

'I'll do it when she gets home. I'll tell her.’

‘So soon?’ The werewolf looks a little dazed at the prospect.

‘It's been ten years Moony, there's no point in wasting any more time.’

‘You’re right,’ and Remus moves towards him before coming to an abrupt halt; he's restraining himself. So is Sirius.

‘In the meantime I think you should leave before we do something… well not necessarily stupid but something that's unfair to Anna.’

‘Okay,’ Remus nods and pushes himself to his feet as Sirius sits up on the bed, ‘but promise me you'll come to me straight after. Promise me.’

Sirius reaches out and grabs the other man's hand, ‘You'll be the first to know. I promise.’

 

*

He paces. Literally all night he paces around his small Flat in Camden. So far he's drunk four cups of tea and one coffee; tidied up his living room, placed all his records back into their correct sleeves and sorts his books into a ‘keep’ pile and a ‘charity shop’ pile. Anxiety, hope and excitement keeps him moving around restlessly, as well as the copious amounts of caffeine he's consumed.

Everything he’s ever wanted is just about to happen and despite waiting this long for it, these last few hours of patience have been torturous and now it's seven in the morning and he's fairly certain Anna must have been home for at least an hour judging on the knowledge of when Lily usually ends up home after she's had a heavy night of being on call. So that means Sirius has potentially been talking to her for an hour, if Sirius has talked to her straight away. What if he hasn't though? What if he took one look at her and bottled it? It can't be easy breaking up with your wife; especially when your going to be the villain in the whole story. What if he chickened out and Remus is left here waiting like a fool for something that's never going to happen…

But Sirius had seem so sure…

Then again he was planning on leaving her for another man and maybe he was going to have second thoughts about that…

Almost instantly on that thought the fireplace in Remus’ tiny living room bursts into life and out steps the man he’s been obsessing about over all night; for years if he's honest.

He looks dreadful.

'How did it go?' Remus asks him feeling afraid to approach him and of the answer he might be given. 

‘Terrible,’ the tired looking man sighs mournfully, ‘She was rightfully upset. More than upset.’

The werewolf nods in understanding as he takes in the sight of of weary looking friend. He certainly looked like he had been through the ringer.

‘I didn't mean to break her heart,’ he then says in a quiet voice and inches slowly towards his friend and before Remus knows it Sirius is throwing himself on him in a clinging embrace; face buried into his neck and arms wrapped tightly around his body, ‘I didn't mean to hurt anyone Moony.’

‘I know,’ the Welsh man soothes him, ‘and I'm sorry for my part in the whole thing. If I hadn't been so stupid…’

‘We’ve both been stupid,’ Sirius mumbles into his neck, ‘But Anna…’

Remus feels terrible about having any part of this but the feeling of having Sirius in his arms like this is just so wonderful that he can't bring himself to feel too guilty.

‘You did say last night that it wasn't fair on her,’ Remus reminds him gently, ‘This was the right thing to do.’ And because it felt right and because he was allowed to he places a kiss on top of the other man’s head. Sirius reacts immediately by pulling his face away from his neck and looks up into his face.

‘It is,’ he says on an exhale of breath and his tired eyes search his, ‘This is going to be worth it, isn't it?’

The werewolf runs a hand through his best friend’s hair, ‘being apart from you certainly hasn't been,’ he admits and Sirius just nods briefly before leaning in and kissing him sweetly on the mouth. ‘I really have missed you, you know?’ He then says into his mouth, barely moving an millimetre away from his lips. ‘I know I never really showed it but I’ve missed you every single second of the last ten years.’

Sirius pulls away with a snort of laughter. ‘James would beg to differ. He said earlier it was obvious how much you fancied me.’

‘Really?’

‘Well actually he said it was obvious how much you wanted to shag my arse but you know how he is; a vulgar brute.’

Remus’ eyes sparkle with amusement and then he dips his head back closer to his old friend’s. ‘Oh I don't think that sounds too vulgar, do you?’

And with the closeness of the other man and that tone of voice Sirius is almost certain he’s never heard Remus use before, he's unable to reply. So he does what he should have been doing years ago, he shows Remus just how much he likes this idea by latching his lips onto the werewolf. He is never going to let go.

‘We’ve got plenty of time for that though,’ Remus pulls away from him and starts to lead him though his small flat by the hand. ‘Lets go have a nap for old times sake.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D ha! Check me out! Actually finishing a story! I hope you guys like it and I thank you all for your patience with me. This last chapter has gone through a few disasters before finally being completed. Let me know what you think. Comments really do make you feel like all your effort has been worth it.


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